Sunday Nov 10th 2013 we waited to take Caysen back to the hospital while chris finished up stringing his Christmas lights. It was a warm day. I held him in my arms in the warmth of the sun, thanking God for the beautiful day, while directing Chris what lights to straighten from the ground. Camden was with grandparents. Caysen was sick and we knew we would have to go back to the hospital, we were just delaying the inevitable and trying to finish up. We had only been home a week from our last hospital stay. He was still so little then, around 12 lbs, with so much hair. He laid across my arms so perfect, and the neighbors came home and smiled at me from across their lawn, glancing at him. He was of course hooked up to his mickey extension and vent tube through his g tube, but it wasn't obvious. I could only smile back at them and think "ha! If they only knew what they can't see". It is true, you never know what someone else is going through, what they may be dealing with. The complete oblivion they saw when they looked at me? I mean, everything looked perfectly peaceful and storybook.
At the time he was sleeping in my arms soaking up the sun and breathing my scent. But I knew where we were going within the hour. And I didn't even know just how bad things would get. At the time, he was rejecting pedialyte, crying non stop, not sleeping cause of his gut pain, and we were taking turns sleeping on the floor with him. We waited too long to get to the ER, cause that's when they had to put a line in during his cath two days later because they poked him 50x for IV access and weren't successful.
And now today. Hanging the same Christmas lights, on yet another warm sunny day almost exactly a year later. But this year he walks and almost scrapes his face when he falls repeatedly on the driveway. I look at my toothless sixteen month old, and think where we were when he was just 4 months.
Crazy. It is so nice to be able to look back and recognize that path. That the suffering is what was actually beautiful. The suffering is where we see God the most. And looking back on the suffering I see the blessings poured out, and see just how close God is. God is good!