Thursday, March 27, 2014

Nine Months: A Letter

Dear Caysen,

Here we are, sitting in a hospital room in Columbus, Ohio approximately 9 days out from your second open heart surgery. Who would have thought that this is where our path would lead? Never in a million years would I guess we would have travelled this far, or ever had to step so far outside of our comfort zone.

This past month has been CHALLENGING. It started off with your brother getting RSV riiiiight before your surgery. If you were to have any virus they would have pushed surgery out, and you were a very sick kid yourself. You weren't tolerating any of your feeds, the amount of air regurgitation and vomiting you were doing on a daily basis was depressing. You had blood coming out of your G-Tube feeds and you were just miserable even on a slooooooow continuous feed. I'm unsure how we managed to keep you from losing weight, it was super tough. We sent your brother away for a week and I sanitized All! The! Things! to be sure that you wouldn't get sick. I held my breath and prayed you would stay well, and before we knew it, we found ourselves in the car on the way to Ohio.

You have been busy this month, you weigh about 14lbs and 13 oz, you are wearing size 2 or 3 diapers depending on if you are planning on dropping poop grenades. You wear size 6-9 month clothes but still have a smaller waist.

Since surgery we have changed our day feeds back to bolus. You are taking 140 mLs, 5 times a day and are working on increasing it. You are doing well with this, less air than before but still having some occasional issues. The main issue right now seems to be your stool. What is that stuff about?

A good few days before surgery you FINALLY started sitting up on your own. You still would topple over but you preferred to be upright. So adorable, I love that you like to be up and part of the crowd. Since surgery you have done even better and are pretty stable, I think sitting up on their mattresses in the cribs that are extra cushy really helps with that.

This month also brought about your first haircut. (Okay, maybe like your 2nd or 3rd haircut). You had a horrible combover going on and you needed your surgery mohawk. I must say, it really suits you well. You are super adorable and fierce, all at the same time.

Oh, Caysen, I can't thank you enough for all that you teach me on a daily basis about patience, trust and everything in between. This journey we are on has taken us so many places, meeting all kinds of amazing people caring for you, and learning everyones' story. You, Caysen, have an incredible story yourself, but as you grow older you will learn that you are not the only person out there. Everyone has a story, has a history or a hurt, something that they too have overcome.  I hope that one day we will get to return the favor to some of these people as we have had so much good shared with us.m Whether it be through encouragement, meals, prayers, or compassionate care, we will pay it forward without a doubt.

This month was one of the most challenging for me emotionally. Handing you back over for surgery wasn't an easy thing, and I could only think of how God must have felt handing over his Son to die on the cross. You see,  I wasn't handing you over to die, but to live. But that thought of giving you over and putting all my trust and faith in the Lord and letting it out of my hands, was so hard. As a Mom you want to control everything, and handing you over left things to be exactly the opposite. Such a good lesson to learn.

In the surgery waiting room that day, we made friends with a local couple who had a six year old having her first open heart, but she had a few other procedures as a baby. The family asked me, how I was holding up. Why wasn't I crying? I gave them my reasons, and explained God was going to take care of you. As they asked more questions about your condition and what that might mean for your future they said, "Aren't you sad? Isn't that hard for you knowing how his future may be tough?" And my answer is, yes and no. Of course it hurts, sweet boy, to think of all of your future challenges (But! look how far you've come!) At the same time, we are focused on TODAY. And the now, and each and every moment. If we get sad about what time we might not have in the future, I'll forget to enjoy this second. So? We won't worry. I can truly say Caysen, that going through something as difficult as that, was made better when leaning on Him. I hope that when your future does get tough, we can remember this lesson!

Just remember little C, God knows what is best for us, and has seen us through it all!

Love you to the moon and back,